I Need To Give Up.......Control

November 2014

She arrives tired.  Been a long day and a 3-hour drive to get here......and my girl is tired.  

Tired because she's just physically tired.....and tired emotionally.....and stress tired.  

And she came to me.....

to this place of solace and rest and peace and no TV blaring and no busyness happening here folks.....and as I looked into her tired eyes, 

I saw my own tired eyes in hers.

I was there in the delivery room when she was born, you know......that was 30-something years ago ...and yet her eyes still look like those in that Beeville Hospital bassinet that cold November day.  How did she get to be in her 30's so quickly, and when did she get so smart......so grown-up.....so opinionated....so...SO.....beautiful?

We rest.  We wake.

We grab our cameras and go in search of things our eyes haven't seen before......Together.

Somewhere along the way, a question is asked....a floodgate is opened.....words and emotions are flowing out quicker than either of us can absorb or grasp.  A memory of confusion and disappointment.....love and broken hearts....of understanding when its impossible to understand.

And I try to tuck them back into the hole they came crawling out of......but I can't.

It's too late.

I love this girl.....she listens when I rant, cry and shake my fists in the air because its November and I'm scared of Novembers.....She is that person who stands and nods her head when I finally get the breath to say, "I don't understand....I just don't understand."  And I try.  And I lose.  And I keep fumbling my way back to something I can't have.....and she still listens.

And yet I discover through the opening of the floodgates that there's a real way to slap God and people in the face  - wham, wham - at the very same time; when you find a way to say with your actions and your words, "It's just not enough.....I need more....I long for more."

And I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed that I had 20 years to gain maturity on my girl, yet......I'm the one stomping my foot, banging my head on the floor with fists beating against the concrete screaming, "It's not fair!".

And like someone carefully and meticulously threading a needle, she reminds me God is always fair.....He always shows up....even when we don't see Him.....He shows up.....and He shows up differently in each of us.